Author Archives: Bob Lancer
Bob Lancer
About Bob Lancer
Author, Seminar Leader, Motivational Speaker, Consultant and Host of the WSB Radio Show Bob Lancer's Answers, Bob Lancer focuses on the challenges of parenting, marriage and personal / professional development.
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Successful Parenting Without Marital Stress

By   |  Monday, April 15th, 2013

One of the most common parenting challenges brings strife into almost every home with children.

 

It occurs when parents clash in frustrating conflict over their difference in opinion regarding the parenting they want their children to receive.

 

Child Development With Parenting Wisdom

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~C.G. Jung

 

One parent regards peace and harmony in the household as sacrosanct. The other parent feels justified in disturbing the peace at home by getting very emotionally worked up and harshly complaining in reaction to unwanted child behaviors.

 

One parent believes in giving the child a clear explanation of the reasons behind the rules for child behavior. The other believes that offering explanations is a form of “cow-towing” that treats the child with too much respect.

 

One parent feels justified in angrily yelling at children. The other parent feels that yelling at children creates more household chaos, not more order.

 

Whatever your disagreements with your spouse about parenting your children, how you react to your spouse is where to focus your attention.

 

The instant that you begin feeling frustrated you are really fighting against yourself.

 

How your spouse behaves is beyond your control. (How your spouse behaves may temporarily be beyond your spouse’s control!)

 

You enter an emotionally straining power-struggle with your spouse because you believe that you need to control that person more than you actually can.

 

Angry clashing wastes energy. That’s why you feel so drained after a spat. Emotionally colliding with your mate over parenting your child means that you are misdirecting your energy.

 

When you feel blocked, you are pursuing a path that leads to opposition, not success.

 

Trust that what you can do without strife is enough.

 

Instead of fighting with your child or with your spouse over unwanted behavior, seek better ways of managing yourself in response to disturbing behavior.

 

Stop futilely struggling to improve the way that your spouse responds to the children and focus instead on improving the way that you respond to your spouse.

 

Look for non-combative ways to guide your children into more beautiful behavior and you’ll achieve more parenting success with less marital stress.

Parenting Wisdom For Easier Child Development

By   |  Friday, April 12th, 2013

Child development is a natural process, meaning that our children are naturally inclined to work as hard as possible on fulfilling their greater potential.

 

In fact, the deepest driving desire in a child is to demonstrate mastery, to grow more capable, to become all that he and she can be.

 

Just as the seed holds the pattern of growth and fruition of the plant, and just as the seed contains the internal drive to grow into its full potential, at the very core of their being our kids are internally guided and driven toward full child development.

 

Child Development Should be the Ultimate Motive of Parents

“Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.” – Bill Ayers

A child of any age who appears to lack the motivation to do better may simply have “lost touch” with his or her own truest, deepest intention and desire.

 

As parents, we create or contribute to this tragic “disconnect” by fighting with the child.

 

The more we fight with our children, the more we suppress their own internal will to do better.

 

We really cannot “make” our children behave. The best we can do is to consistently provide influences that nurture and support their own motivation behave better.

 

We accomplish this by helping the child understand the behavior improvement that we expect. In terms of giving a child feedback, this is called “feed forward”.

 

Rather than criticize the child for what he DID wrong, clearly convey the behavior you expect moving forward.

 

Now here is a really crucial point. Avoid making that new behavior about you, about what you want, about doing what you say. It has to be about the child doing what his own intrinsic will for child development tells him.

 

For children under the age of six, you need to show them how you want them to behave, not just tell them. For children older than six, a clear, simple explanation of the behavior that you expect can suffice.

 

For instance, if your child refuses to stop playing and come to the dinner table, calmly demonstrate and / or explain exactly what behavior you expect.

 

For instance, you might explain, “I expect you to stop playing and come to the dinner table the first time I ask. Now, let’s pretend this is the first time. Please stop your play now and come sit at the dinner table. Let’s see if you can do that?”

 

If the child does it, show your satisfaction. Treat the accomplishment as a success for the child.

 

If the child ignores you again, you might try ignoring the child for the time being. Eat your dinner while the child’s dinner cools. The child learns from the consequence of his choices, and you don’t have to stress about it.

 

Don’t worry that you will “have” to give into a demand that you prepare the child a warm meal or snack later. Cross that bridge if you come to it, using the same guideline for working with the child development will.

 

When we get caught up in an argument or stressful power-struggle with our children we perpetuate conflict in the parent-child relationship and incite their emotional opposition to their own intrinsic motivation toward behavior improvement.

Child Behavior Wisdom: Protect Your Child’s Feelings

By   |  Wednesday, April 10th, 2013
Parenting Skills

Do a deed of simple kindness; though its end you may not see, it may reach, like widening ripples, down a long eternity. ~ Joseph Norris

 

Here’s what makes child behavior management so challenging: kids, like adults, want to feel completely free to do as they please and to have what they want when they want it.
 

They don’t want to have to go to bed, wait their turn, forego another piece of candy, put their toys away before moving on to another activity, turn off the video game, come in from playing outside to do their homework, wash their hands before eating.
 

It’s human nature to desire absolute, complete autonomy, without limits.
 

A central human challenge is learning how to deal with limits, even as we strive to overcome them.
 

Responsible parenting certainly includes setting limits on our child’s behavior, at times, because what kid’s want is not always in their best interest.
 

Responsible parenting also requires setting limits on parent behavior.
 

Correcting child behavior too harshly injures the child emotionally.
 

Ironically, overly harsh correction breeds child unruliness.
 

It teaches children to demonstrate cruelty in their relationships.
 

Relating insensitively with a child’s feelings models insensitivity for the child, leading the child to relate insensitively with the feelings of others.
 

Being too rough on a child teaches the child to play too rough with others and to be too rough when handling of objects.
 

It fosters sloppiness, rudeness, and disrespect for order.
 

Ignoring children’s feelings teaches them to ignore their own finer sensibilities, including their sense of compassion for others.
 

Paying attention to your child while correcting or directing child behavior will reveal to you when you are reacting too harshly.
 

You can then set limits on yourself to avoid responding to child behavior in a hurtful way.
 

We parents need to set boundaries and sometimes say “No”, even when it deeply displeases the child.
 

But we need to do this compassionately, with genuine respect for the child’s tender heart.
 

We need to set boundaries on the child’s behavior to help the child demonstrate and develop responsible behavior patterns.
 

And we need to set limits on our way of parenting to insure that we consistently honor our child’s feelings.
 

But it’s easy to become so focused on what the child is doing “wrong” that we overlook the “wrong” way we are attempting to improve the situation.
 

Remember to pay attention to your child’s feelings when:

  • * Attempt to stop a problematic child behavior
  • * Attempting to direct the child into a behavior

 

Thus, you demonstrate important parent behavior wisdom: you protect your child’s feelings.

Improve Your Parent Behavior For Child Behavior Improvement

By   |  Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

Child behavior improvement often requires parent behavior improvement first.

 

When scolding your child, what are you telling him about himself?

 

Parenting Quotes Help

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent. ~ Barbara Bush

Do you call him a lackadaisical dreamer, dishonest, responsible, lazy?

 

On a subconscious level the child believes what we tell him about himself and that programs him to live consistently with that belief.

 

Telling a child that she’s acting like a baby, that she is always looking for the easy way out, that she is content to do the least possible in school, that she’s a show-off gives that child’s subconscious a negative message that undermines the child’s ability.

 

Calling a child sloppy, telling him he never listens, complaining that he is being difficult, uncooperative, self-centered, overly demanding is like calling FOR more of that undesirable behavior.

 

When we become frustrated with our children it is really not their fault.  We are coming to the end of our patience, but that’s no excuse for projecting negative influences upon them.

 

In parenting, we need to be present, to avoid focusing so much on making our children “right” that we overlook how “wrongly” we are going about it.

 

When we parents catch ourselves in the act of projecting our own negativity onto the child, we can redirect our attention to ourselves, recognize any mistakes we are making, and begin correcting our own behavior then and there.

 

The next time you hear yourself complaining to your child, calling him stupid, unfocused, unreliable, unkind, thoughtless or “a downer”, focus on improving your own behavior in the present moment.

 

When you see how you are mishandling the situation you can begin handling the situation better, and produce better results.

 

Remain self-aware to recognize your need for improved SELF discipline in your efforts to get your child to be more disciplined.

 

Concentrate on improving your handling of your child’s behavior and you will find yourself being more successful in your efforts to bring out better behavior from your child.

 

Really face the ways that you want to improve your responses to your child, your way of speaking with her, your way of attempting to correct, control and improve her character, attitude and actions.

 

As we honestly work on improving our ways of parenting, we raise our child more effectively and enjoy a happier, better behaving child AND adult.

 

Let’s practice being more self-aware in our parenting to recognize when we need to improve our parent behavior for child behavior improvement.

A Parenting Solution For The Demanding Child

By   |  Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

When do you become flustered with your children?

 

It probably happens when you feel yourself barraged by unreasonable, self-centered demands.

 

Motivational Parenting Quotes

There is no friendship, no love, like that of the parent for the child. ~
Henry Ward Beecher

You come home from work.  And immediately you are being begged to do this or that.

 

You might try to accommodate your child, but that’s not enough.  The begging child demands that you do more, do something differently than you did it.

 

The child demands to be pleased, and you find yourself feeling strained in your attempt to please.  You see no way to please, and YOU feel VERY DISPLEASED.

 

To begin solving this parenting problem, approach it as an opportunity for your growth rather than an opportunity to blame or resent your child for being so difficult, demanding and self-centered.

 

From the “how can I grow” perspective you can then examine your way of dealing with the situation and find better options.

 

From the “blame” perspective, parents focus on how the child is behaving wrongly, overlooking how wrongly they are dealing with it.

 

When we parents begin feeling frustrated, flustered, stressed out in reaction to child behavior, our child is not making that happen.  Our way of reacting is making it happen.  This is a crucial distinction!

 

It’s all too common, when parents feel frustrated by an incessantly demanding child, the parents explode in a rage.

 

But if you really look at this reaction, it characterizes the exact opposite of what the parent really wants.

 

It takes the parent from the unpleasantness of frustration into the more extremely unpleasant state of rage. So, obviously, rage is an inadequate strategy for improving how you feel.

 

This points to the next stage of the parenting solution for the demanding child.  Consider how you want to feel and determine to feel that way despite your child’s demands.

 

Concentrate on maintaining your peace and poise.  If you find it difficult to maintain your peace and poise, do your best and you will grow in the ability to do so more and more effectively.

 

Now, as you become calm, and stop trying to please your child, your child will likely become increasingly frustrated with YOU.

 

Do your best to stay relaxed and at peace, and from peace you can find compassion.  You can calmly, quietly love your child as your child works out his frustration on his own over not being able to control YOU.

 

Some might think you have to yell at your child to “teach” him that he needs to relate with you in a more considerate and less demanding way, but this tactic blares with hypocrisy when you really look at it.  It models harshness as a means of teaching more gentleness!  It models demandingness in an attempt to teach the opposite.

 

Sometimes, by simply maintaining your calm and compassionate center and NOT straining to please, you allow LIFE to teach your child the lesson he or she needs.  That not only saves you effort and strain, it gives your child the chance to grow.

 

There’s a parenting solution for the demanding child.

Powerful Parenting Success Principles

By   |  Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

When we operate from the belief that our parenting success depends upon getting our child to do what we want, parenting becomes draining and frustrating.

 

Parenting children

Concentrate on doing the right thing when interacting with your child. Be the example you would want your child to follow.

While it SEEMS that our child’s resistance to our direction makes the child-parent relationship difficult, it is this underlying belief that is the true cause.

 

This belief fosters an attitude of parent helplessness and dependency upon the child.

 

In other words, it makes the child in charge and leaves us feeling powerless.

 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you learned that your success and satisfaction in parenting depended only on your application of certain principles that  guarantee the positive results you are after?

 

The fact is that such principles do in fact exist, and those who experience the most satisfaction and success with their children, with the least wasted effort, conflict and stress, adhere to these principles in their child-parent relationship.

 

One great pleasure of relying on these principles is the feeling of independence.  You no longer feel dependent upon your child’s will or whim.

 

You don’t feel desperate to gain your child’s agreement.  You don’t worry about losing control of your child.

 

You don’t have to engage in straining power-struggles to force cooperation or compliance.

 

You know that you only have to focus on what YOU are doing, in the now, to perpetuate the progress you want to make.

 

So what are these powerful parenting success principles?

 

There are many.  The foundation principal on which the rest rely is simply the principle that states: Awareness Leads To Control.

 

To increase your success without stress with your children, make it your daily practice to refine your action’s alignment with awareness in the now.

 

In this context, the word “action” does not only apply to your physical actions.  It applies to your mental and emotional activity as well.  It applies to what you say, when you say it, and how you say it.  It applies to the activity of your attention or to what you choose to pay attention to in the now.

 

As you simply PRACTICE being more aware in the now, you will begin recognize more and more clearly ways that you can shift, change or refine your emotional responses, actions, speech and thoughts to more easily achieve what you want with your child.

 

You Can’t Buy Child Discipline

By   |  Tuesday, March 5th, 2013

The News recently reported that a dad paid his 14 year-old daughter $200 to stay off Facebook for 5 months. But you can’t buy child discipline.
 
This “incentive plan” is of course reserved for those who can afford it. But it also sounds like a lot of money to pay a 14-year-old to follow reasonable, healthy and responsible house-rules.
 
Minimizing your child’s Internet social networking may actually decrease the risk of your child developing social difficulties, because unsupervised Internet social networking may impede the development of a child’s social skills.
 

Parenting Quotes On Discipline

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~ Abigail Van Buren


 
While social networking, there is a tendency to relate with an excess of bravado behind the “shield” of a computer screen. This may not only produce social problems for the teen, it can form into a pattern of arrogance or even cruelty demonstrated in“real life”relating.
 
Excessive social networking may also cause real life relationship situations to feeling overwhelming and intimidating because there is so much more going on in face-to-face interactions.
 
Another social challenge may emerge when the teen realizes that the persona she has cultivated over the internet feels too threatening to express in real life.
 
Additionally, spending too much time lost in “internet land” can diminish motivation for more active, real life pursuits, become an escape from facing real life challenges, and develop a pattern of disengagement from one’s actual environment and from the sensitivities of the people in it.
 
So the question is, what is this dad’s motivation? Has his daughter been abusing her Facebook privilege in some way? Has she been spending more time on Facebook than he believes she should?
 
Has he discovered her engaging in inappropriate Internet conversation? Has she been failing to fulfill her responsibilities? Has her mood or attitude become problematic?
 
If he has reason to suspect that she needs to curtail the amount of time she spends on Facebook, then he needs to establish clear guidelines defining when and how much time she is permitted to be on Facebook, and define the quality of her Facebook conversation that is permissible.
 
Then he needs to define the responsible behaviors that she needs to demonstrate beyond her activity on Facebook.
 
He might say to her, “If your grades are great, if you are relating with your mom and me respectfully, if you are doing your homework, keeping your room neat and clean and helping out around the house, you can use Facebook within the parameters I’ve defined.”
 
To further protect his daughter from excessive “Facebooking”, he can establish clearly that he has unlimited access to her Internet activity.
 
This is not an expression of distrust or disrespect, but rather, it is really necessary to protect his teen against Internet bullying, Internet predators and the natural tendency of a young person to experiment with impropriety.
 
His decision to pay her, rather than to impose a caring and reasonable child discipline structure, suggests a possible personal pattern of throwing money at problems instead of really addressing them.
 
This would constitute a form of emotionally absent parenting that can drive children into high-risk behavior out of rebellion and poor self-esteem.
 
In sum,this dad’s financial solution may keep his daughter off Facebook for a few months, but it may reinforce even more serious child discipline problems in the process.
 
Inspirational Children Quotes

Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes. ~ Chinese Proverb


 

The First Step To Improving Child Behavior

By   |  Sunday, February 10th, 2013

What if you were achieving exactly the same level of cooperation from your children, but you achieved this level with 90% LESS stress, strain, frustration, overwhelm and anger?
 
For instance, what if you continued to get your kids to bed as late as that’s been happening, but you accomplished this WITHOUT feeling frustrated, unhappy or impatient?
 

Parenting Quotes

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~ Franklin P. Jones


 
What if your child’s behavior at mealtime did not improve, but you were able to maintain your peace and poise, able to feel calm, confident and secure?
 
What if your kids continued to squabble as much as they do, but you did not get drawn into feelings of anger, helplessness or overwhelm?
 
What if you did not improve your child’s cooperation during homework time, during the morning routine, or when you need to transition him from one location to another, BUT YOU MANAGED THE SITUATION WITHOUT FEELING NERVOUS, UPTIGHT OR ANNOYED?
 
Obviously, improving your EXPERIENCE of what happens represents SOME degree of improvement in your relationship with your child.
 
The fact is that improving THE QUALITY of our responses is the first step to improving our results.
 
How you react to child behavior is a way that you treat yourself in response to that behavior.
 
We can only improve child behavior one step at a time. The first step is improving our way of going through the condition.
 
Reducing our stress, increasing our confidence, bringing more joy from within into the experience is a step in the right direction.
 
From there, you will find opportunities for leading your child into improved behavior.
 
What is being suggested here is not an apathetic, passive approach to parenting. Do everything you can to ensure that your child behaves well. But the change that is being suggested here is to do it CALMLY, to work on doing your best to control the situation WITHOUT anger or stress.
 
This simple shift has worked miracles in many parent-child relationships. Try it out and let us know how it works for YOU.
 
Children Quotes

The Golden Rule of Parenting is; do unto your children as you wish your parents had done unto you! ~ Louise Hart


 

Parenting Tips About Children Following Rules

By   |  Monday, January 14th, 2013

It’s important for us to guide children to follow rules.

 

Unruly Child Behavior

We cannot allow our children to display disrespectful, inconsiderate, or self-centered behavior past a certain point.

The child who slips into unruly behavior on a routine basis forms disorderly behavior habits that produce problems in school.

 

Unruly behavior translates into a child who oversteps bounds in relationships, which causes problems for the child socially.  For instance, kind and caring children will avoid the child who routinely acts too wildly and treats them insensitively.

 

If the unruly child behavior pattern continues for too long, it turns into a serious character weakness in adulthood, limiting the individual’s ability to support himself/herself, making that individual overly dependent upon others rather than becoming a contributing member of society.

 

In the extreme, unruliness child behavior patterns that go unchecked can descend into criminality.

 

Helping our children to respect and follow rules, therefore, is crucial for helping them to lead successful lives of contribution, to enjoy close relationships with wonderful people, and to avoid becoming a burden to society.

 

However, there are times when there is something more important to a child’s well-being and to child development than being forced to follow rules.

 

Sometimes we need to cut the child some slack, allow for some unruliness, to permit the child freedom in honor of the child’s sacred, loving heart.

 

Create Happy Children

The best way to make children good is to make them happy. ~ Oscar Wilde

Children, like adults, need to feel basically good inside to do their best.  The adult who just does what is expected – or what he believes is expected – without regard to how he feels, turns out to be an unhappy person no matter how many symbols of success he achieves.

 

There are limits to everything, including how much we really need to conform to rules.  We not only need to respect boundaries – we also need to feel free, to be a little silly, to be a little daring JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT – and so do our children.

 

Of course we need to keep unruliness within bounds to some degree.  We cannot allow our children to display disrespectful, inconsiderate, or self-centered behavior past a certain point.  We cannot passively abide displays of cruelty or senseless destruction to property.

 

But we DO need to recognize, through alert and deep attentiveness to the child’s feelings in the now, when to stop harping on following rules and allow the child to be free enough to delight in the joy of childhood.

 

The fact is that happy children tend to demonstrate more considerate and responsible behavior than unhappy children.

 

Parents: Help Your Child Develop Healthy Self-Esteem

By   |  Monday, December 10th, 2012
self confidence in children

We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light. ~ Mary Dunbar

 

Parents pass any self-esteem issues they might have onto their child.

 

So protecting your child’s self-esteem and self-confidence starts with healing your own.

 

Building self-esteem is really about letting go of the ideas of ourselves that belittle us.

 

Realize that how you think of yourself is just a thought-habit.  

 

Thought is creative, though, meaning that you become more and more like the person you think of yourself as being.

 

Therefore, begin relating with your thoughts more strategically.

 

Instead of automatically identifying with the thoughts you think about yourself, consider if the thought represents the kind of person you really want to be.

 

When you think of yourself as inadequate or disappointing in any way, your creative thought-power works against you.

 

Self-defeating, counter-productive thought patterns are habitual, so it takes time to weaken and finally lose the habit of thinking negatively about ourselves.

 

Each time you catch yourself thinking a demoralizing thought about yourself, remember that you are not the person you think of yourself as being.  This can help you to let go of that thought.

 

Another practice that can help you free yourself from self-esteem issues, and protect your child from low self-esteem as well, involves spending some time daily thinking about the strengths and abilities that you want to demonstrate.

 

Close your eyes and try to visualize yourself expressing true greatness.  This exercise “harnesses” the creative power of thought to give birth to your greater potential.

 

This exercise in creative positive thought forming will be undermined, though, if you do not diligently practice noticing what you think of yourself when you think of yourself.  Otherwise, your habitual, unconscious, negative self-concept will diminish the power of your efforts to liberate yourself.

 

The sooner you let go of counter-productive thoughts of yourself, the more quickly you liberate the greater self you can be.  And the more you pass on that wonderful condition of healthy self-esteem to your child.

 

Imagining yourself as strong, capable, intelligent, loving, happy, healthy and talented not only helps you to fulfill your great potential, it will help your child do the same.

 

A Calm Way To Achieve Your Parenting Goals

By   |  Wednesday, November 21st, 2012
Parenting Goals

“If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.” ~ Brian Tracy

When your child resists your attempts to lead, guide or direct his behavior, notice how you handle that.

 

As you improve your handling of the situation you will enjoy more satisfying results with your child.

 

The process usually begins with examining how you are feeling.  Look at your attitude toward your child.

 

To the extent that you feel frustrated, powerless, resentful or insecure when you seem to be out of control of your child, to that extent you actually diminish your ability to constructively direct the situation.

 

The fact is that you can direct your life toward where you want to go – but you may not be able to direct your child’s life in that moment.

 

Focus on maintaining an attitude of calm confidence toward the situation and think about the kind of relationship you really want with your child.

 

The next step is to consider your goal for the situation.  What is it that you really want your child to do?

 

It may be to stop running wildly around the living room.  It may be to display more respectful behavior.  It may be to stop playing too roughly with his sibling.

 

Once you are clear about what you want from your child, the next step is to decide on your best option for bringing it about.

 

A common parenting mistake is to struggle to come up with a reaction to a child behavior problem that will stop their child from behaving in that way for all time.

 

Just focus on accomplishing what you want with your child in the present moment.  During instances when you need control over your child’s behavior in the present, you overload yourself if you expect to come up with a response that will prevent him from ever making this mistake again.

 

When you calmly, confidently consider what you can do in the present situation to produce the outcome you want, you have the best chance of coming up with a constructive idea.

 

When we feel stressed, we block our ability to accurately analyze the situation and formulate solutions.

 

When your child resists your attempts to lead, guide or direct his behavior, remain calm, consider your goal for his behavior and then observe the situation to recognize your best opportunity for achieving that parenting goal.

Improve Child Behavior Without Time-Outs

By   |  Thursday, November 1st, 2012
Responsible Parenting

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. ~Bill Cosby

 

There’s lots of talk these days about using “time outs” to improve child behavior.

 

But there is far too little talk about the even more important influence of quality time “IN” with your child.

 

Just spending time with your child, sharing space together, as you remain in a calm and loving state, nurtures your child’s spirit.

 

Your presence provides your child with a sense of security and supports the child’s feeling of being worthy of love.

 

Additionally, your peaceful presence provides your child with the influence of your modeling.

 

As you function in a calm, orderly, intelligent manner around your child, you teach your child to function similarly.

 

Spending a sufficient amount of quality time with your child can help your child to display better self-conduct, and thus diminish the kinds of behavior problems that you might try to solve with time-outs.

 

Time-IN with your child, however, is not automatically constructive.

 

HOW you spend time with your child is just as important as how much time you spend together.

 

If you display much anger and stress, if you over criticize and complain, if display an impatient and disapproving attitude toward your child, your presence disturbs the child in a way that leads the child into disturbing behavior and unhappiness.

 

It’s also possible to be overly placating with a child.  Saying “yes” when you ought to say “no” sets the child up to becoming overly dependent and demanding.

 

Awareness is the most important guide for quality time with our kids.  We need to be attentively aware to recognize the kind of influence we are having on our children.

 

Avoid parenting in an automatic, unconscious way.  Observe your child closely to accurately read his or her feelings and needs.  Children express their needs non-verbally far more than they do so verbally.

 

The more CONSCIOUS time you spend with your child, the better you will understand your child, and from there you can provide your child with the influences and interactions that lead to improved child behavior and beautiful child development.

Parenting Wisdom For Developing Your Child’s Leadership

By   |  Wednesday, October 31st, 2012

 

Give your kids all the freedom to control themselves that you can, but not too much.  Giving them enough freedom to find their own way develops their sense of who they really are and what they really want to do.  This prepares them to be able to find their own authentic path to fulfillment and success in adulthood.

Parenting Help For Child Development

Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations. Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit. ~ Robert Brault

 

It develops the child’s self-leadership power.

 

But of course, avoid giving kids too much responsibility for themselves.  You need to closely monitor your child to recognize when you need to intervene and establish boundaries.

 

If you give a child more freedom than he or she can responsibly handle, the child oversteps appropriate behavior boundaries and develops habitual behavior problems.

 

And when you do step in, avoid disciplining children using behaviors you don’t want them to copy, because nature programs children to imitate the behaviors that they witness and receive.

 

This means that yelling at children teaches them to yell.  Hitting children teaches them to hit.  Harshly criticizing and complaining to kids teaches them to display those negative speech patterns.

 

Remember this child behavior principle: How you react to not getting your way with your kids teaches your kids how to react when they don’t get their way.

 

Our responsibility as parents is to prepare our children to intelligently and constructively handle NOT getting their way.  This means responding to not getting their way in a way that really works for them, in a way that helps them to get your way in time.

 

This amounts to teaching kids the wise leadership skill of accountability.

 

Here is how that skill works:  Rather than blowing their top and blaming others when they do not like what happens, wise leaders accept responsibility for recognizing what they have done that led to what is happening, and how they can change to improve their results.

 

As you apply this parenting wisdom for developing leadership skill in your child, your child will demonstrate improved child behavior and you will not have to work as hard to keep your child’s conduct on a positive track.

 

Parenting Advice For Raising Successful Children

By   |  Friday, October 12th, 2012
Positive Inspiration For Raising Kids

In our hurry to be a perfect parent, we risk excessive discipline or over indulgence. Keep the balance. Be a parent, friend, guide and mentor to your child.

When we react to child behavior with anger, stress and strain, we may be trying too hard to help our children succeed in living up to our expectations.

 

We parents want our children to follow our rules, but the parenting strategy we employ to make that happen may undermine our objective, cause us pointless parent frustration and cause the child needless suffering.

 

Reacting with impatience and anger to motivate your child to do as you say makes parenting children a miserable strain and drain AND it doesn’t really work.

 

While routinely reacting to a child’s lapse in behavior with harsh, angry criticism, pitiful complaining and intimidating demands is a common parenting strategy, it can undermine the child’s ability to succeed in life.

 

You may get your child to comply with your demand by yelling, threatening or complaining in extreme frustration, but the intense dissatisfaction you express erodes the child’s self-confidence and self-esteem.

 

This emotional erosion not only causes the child needless suffering, it ends up lowering the child’s ability to perform and ends up worsening the child’s behavior problem in the long run.

 

Raising kids who are self-motivated to be successful requires that we honor their need to believe in themselves.

 

When children believe in themselves, they feel motivated to do their best to live up to their parent’s positive expectations, as well as the expectations of teachers. 

 

Build Self Confidence In Children

Love your children the way they are. Each child is unique, each child is special.

They see themselves capable of succeeding, and this can develop into a long term pattern of positive motivation.

 

When a child sees himself as capable of succeeding, the child has the motivation to do what it takes to succeed.

 

So the parent advice we need is how to constructively and compassionately lead children into higher performance.

 

The answer is for the parent to lose the habit of angry criticism and complaining.  Replace it with closer supervision and more constructive involvement in the parent child relationship.

 

Calmly guide your child to follow the rule that he breaks.  Each time that you help her to successfully follow the rule her self-discipline grows stronger.

 

Pro-actively engage the child in, say, flushing the toilet, turning off the light when he leaves the room, closing his drawers, cleaning up his mess before moving into another activity, instead of impatiently criticizing, complaining or blowing your top.

 

When you see her about to, say, use her fingers to eat her pasta, remind her to use her fork.  When she follows the rule, even with your help, she see’s herself succeeding.  You can nurture her self-esteem further by saying something like, “Good work.”

 

Each time you give your child the help he needs to succeed, your child receives a “training” that develops his drive and commitment to success.

 

Admittedly, following this parenting advice for raising successful children takes work, but it is proves less taxing and far more constructive, than relying on reactions of extreme harshness.

 

Parenting Tips: Awaken Parenting Intuition

By   |  Monday, September 10th, 2012

The child behavior that you encounter gives YOU an opportunity to grow.

 

At the heart of raising children is raising ourselves.

 

Raising kids is a learning experience for the parents who look for a way to do a better job.

 

Raising Children

Encourage and support your kids because children are apt to live up to what you believe of them.
~ Lady Bird Johnson ~

Ideally, parents and children grow TOGETHER.

 

Parenting help is always available to those parents who want to do better and to feel better in their relationship with their children.

 

You always have access to wise parenting advice WITHIN.

 

Calm down, observe your child, and open your heart and mind to understanding what is happening.  This awakens your PARENTING INTUITION.

 

Your child is really like an open book that you can read.  Just pay calm attention, with a tranquil, trusting heart and open to your inner source of wisdom.

 

You will see what you can do for your child’s good.  Parenting your child is a creative process, for your way of relating with your child influences the development of your child’s personality.

 

When you calmly observe your child with a heart and mind open to your own best inner judgment of what to do about it, you overcome your habitual reaction patterns and demonstrate new and improved parenting skills.  In other words, you raise yourself as you raise your child.

 

Parents want parenting tips from experts, while they have a parenting expert living within them that they overlook when they emotionally react to child behavior.

 

Help for parents who feel stressed out and are at their wits end becomes available when they return to calm confidence.

 

Your child is not responsible for how you react.  To know what to do about your child discipline challenges, practice non-reactivity.

 

Calm down, observe your child and confidently EXPECT that you will receive an idea, an insight, and inspiration that guides you from within.

 

Emotional reactions blind us to the truth.

 

In peace you can understand your child.

 

Raising kids is a learning experience for the parents who calmly pay attention to what is happening.

 

Our children’s challenging behavior calls upon us to grow.

 

Child Behavior: Parenting Skill of Expectation

By   |  Friday, August 24th, 2012
Parenting Skills For Solving Behavior Problems

Too often we give our children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. ~ Roger Lewin

The power of expectation is something that it would be wise for parents to master.

 

When you employ expectation as a parenting skill, you receive great parenting support.

 

In a sense, what you expect from your child is what you will get from your child.

 

But this does not mean that you will not go through some disappointment in your parent-child relationship.

 

Expecting wonderful child behavior from your child helps your child to demonstrate wonderful behavior.

 

But it does NOT necessarily mean that your child’s behavior will immediately match your expectations.

 

The parenting skill of expectation that we parents need to develop is unconditional positive expectation.  Another way of describing this is unconditional faith in our children.

 

When your child behaves in a disturbing way, maintain your faith in your child.

 

Children don’t need their parents to worry about them.  Children need their parents to believe in them.

 

Your belief in your child, your faith in your child, your expectation that your child WILL behave beautifully functions as a positive parenting power that supports the manifestation of your that beautiful behavior.

 

Parenting Skills For Raising Children

“Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry.” ~ Alvin Price

Of course, maintaining consistent belief in your child is not the only parenting skill we need to employ to resolve or avoid child behavior problems and to manifest magnificent child conduct.

 

But it is among the most important parenting skills, because the degree to which you feel insecure about your child’s ability to behave well, to that degree you undermine any other efforts you might make in the child-parent relationship.

 

Expecting a child to fail, envisioning a child letting you down, doubting a child’s ability to perform well, worrying about a child misbehaving, causes the power of expectation to work against both parent and child.

 

The vision of the future that you hold in mind, coupled with the emotional attitude you feel toward that vision, directs the manifestation process of your life.

 

Despite past experiences, however tempting it may feel to worry about your child, practice the parenting skill of unconditional positive expectation to support positive child behavior.

 


An Alternative To Saying “No” To Your Kids

By   |  Friday, June 29th, 2012

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

 

Our parental “job” includes instilling wisdom in our children.

Disciplining Children

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~ C.G. Jung

 

There are good reasons why parents would like to find an alternative to using the word “No” with their children.

 

You don’t want to HAVE to motivate your child to “do the right thing.”

 

Wouldn’t you love sensible ideas to bring as much inspiration to your kids as, say, the idea of shooting off firecrackers?

 

Having to frequently say ‘No’ can make parenting exhausting, and it causes some parents to feel that they are being too negative in the parent-child relationship.

 

If YOU have an issue saying “No”, and you want to instill practical life-wisdom in your child, try instead to tell your child of the reason why and what to do instead.

 

For instance, if your child asks for a second scoop of ice cream, instead of telling him “No”, try saying something like this to lead him to impose positive child discipline upon himself: “That would mean too much sugar, which is not good for the brain. But if you stop requesting another scoop you can have one scoop.”

 

This way of responding resolves the parenting issues of having to say “No” and feeling that you always have to impose boundaries for your child.

 

It ends on a positive note by pointing out what the child CAN have or do. It also helps the child development of understanding that actions have consequences, and to consider the consequences before acting on a desire.

 

Disciplining children is never all that much fun. The sooner our kids can responsibly discipline themselves the better.

 

By providing your child is a simple, brief explanation of what is undesirable about what she wants you actually educate her about what is good for her.

 

At the same time, you motivate your child to cooperate with you by helping her to see the positive outcome of cooperating with you: specifically, not requesting another scoop results in getting one scoop now.

 

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

Parenting Help: Improve Your Child’s Environment

By   |  Monday, June 25th, 2012

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

 

To improve child behavior, improve your child’s surroundings.

Good Parenting

Provide the child with influences that help the child display the positive child conduct you want

 

How a child behaves is a largely product of the child’s environment.

 

The child’s environment consists of the influences surrounding the child, including the influences emanating from people within that environment.

 

To help your child avoid or overcome behavior problems improve the emotional and behavior patterns impinging upon your child.

 

Parenting help for better child behavior generally involves working on the child’s environment in order to:

1… Avoid exposing the child to influences that contribute to behavior problems.

2… Provide the child with influences that help the child display the positive child conduct you want.

 

If all we focus on is getting the child to change WITHOUT changing the child’s environment, our efforts will be undermined by the disturbing environmental that led to the child’s behavior problem.

 

For instance, if your child withdraws from other kids, choosing to spend her time alone, that child may have received excessive criticism in her home environment, eroding her self-confidence.

 

Sometimes there is something happening at home that causes the child to feel ashamed.

 

There may be someone in the child’s home environment modeling a similar pattern of sensitivity that drives that person toward solitude and unsociability.

 

As long as the negative environmental factors remain unchanged, child discipline problems are likely to continue reflecting them.

 

In my own parent counseling practice I have often found that the parent help needed for improving how kids behave involves guiding parents in how to bring more order, calmness, attentiveness, positive modeling and love into the child’s environment.

 

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

 

When It Is Wise To Ignore Your Child

By   |  Saturday, June 23rd, 2012

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

 

To skillfully support child development, remember that there is a time for responding to your child and a time for NOT responding.

support child development

One key for raising children toward self-reliance is the parenting practice of being just responsive enough

If we are not responsive enough, we lose parental control as our child grows frustrated.

 

This is because and a frustrated child (like a frustrated adult) cannot help but slip into some form of behavior problem.

We teach our children, and the education may prove negative, through the way that we respond to our kids.

 

Being too non-responsive not only frustrates the child with the sense of denied parent access. It teaches the child, through our modeling, to BE non-responsive. This may manifest as the child not “listening” and being generally inattentive.

 

But, while a sufficient amount of parental involvement is crucial for positive child development and child behavior, it is also possible to be TOO responsive with a child.

 

If we respond automatically to a child’s request (or demand) for our attention, assistance or cooperation we demonstrate a weak form of child behavior management that actually trains the child to be overly demanding.

 

We also needlessly exhaust ourselves through the form of excessive parent involvement that we can describe as being overly responsive.

 

Help for parents who over-stress themselves through excessive responsiveness arrives as they apply the self-help wisdom of being more conscious in parenting.

 

Sometimes it is better to not respond as a means of teaching the child that the behavior she is using to get our response is unacceptable.

 

One key for raising children toward self-reliance is the parenting practice of being just responsive enough.

 

Be aware during your parent-child interactions to avoid automatically reacting to your child without first pausing to determine if reacting in the way that you are about to react is really wise right now.

 

If you HABITUALLY respond when your child demands your attention, you produce your own frustration and lead your child toward the relationship problems that stem from being overly demanding.

 

Don’t blame your child for this.  Realize that your reactions of stress and strain are NOT your child’s responsibility.  How you react is YOUR responsibility.

 

Practice the parenting wisdom of more CONSCIOUS parenting to more alertly recognize when you need to respond, and when you need to deliberately NOT respond to your child, for the best parenting results and experiences.

 

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

 

Some Of The Most Powerful Parenting Advice

By   |  Thursday, May 31st, 2012

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

 

Child Parent Relationships

Close observation of the child is among the most essential parenting skills for improving child behavior

Children are their parents!

 

More specifically, how a child behaves, the child’s mood patterns, attitudes, ways of communicating and emotionally reacting – even thought patterns -  all reflect their parents to a significant extent.

 

In a sense, raising children means raising ourselves.

 

In my parenting classes, parents quickly realize how their children’s behavior problems demonstrate behaviors those parents themselves have modeled.

 

Some of the most powerful parenting advice that can be delivered is to observe your child closely to recognize the ways that his or her behavior reveals how YOU need to change.

 

Close observation of the child is among the most essential parenting skills for improving child behavior.

 

When you really see how a problem behavior displayed by your child replicates a pattern of your own, you hold the key to leading the child into improved behavior.

 

For instance, one parent observed that her child loses her emotional balance too easily and frequently, leading the child into wild, destructive, rebellious behavior.

 

This parent recognized the same tendency (or weakness) of emotional imbalance in herself, and then set to work on getting a better handle on it.

 

As this mother progressed in her self-work, she found her daughter’s self-control improving.

 

This mother realized that she didn’t really need parents tips for controlling her child – she needed self-work for improving her own self-control.

 

The fact that children become like their parents does not have to cause parents to blame and feel badly about themselves when their children misbehave.  All that would accomplish is de-motivate them to even try to do better.  And that, by extension, would do the opposite of motivating their children to do better.

 

Apply some of the most powerful parenting advice by observing your child with the aim of recognizing ways that you can raise yourself… for your child.

 

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

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