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An Alternative To Saying “No” To Your Kids

By Bob Lancer   |  Friday, June 29th, 2012

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Our parental “job” includes instilling wisdom in our children.

Disciplining Children

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~ C.G. Jung

 

There are good reasons why parents would like to find an alternative to using the word “No” with their children.

 

You don’t want to HAVE to motivate your child to “do the right thing.”

 

Wouldn’t you love sensible ideas to bring as much inspiration to your kids as, say, the idea of shooting off firecrackers?

 

Having to frequently say ‘No’ can make parenting exhausting, and it causes some parents to feel that they are being too negative in the parent-child relationship.

 

If YOU have an issue saying “No”, and you want to instill practical life-wisdom in your child, try instead to tell your child of the reason why and what to do instead.

 

For instance, if your child asks for a second scoop of ice cream, instead of telling him “No”, try saying something like this to lead him to impose positive child discipline upon himself: “That would mean too much sugar, which is not good for the brain. But if you stop requesting another scoop you can have one scoop.”

 

This way of responding resolves the parenting issues of having to say “No” and feeling that you always have to impose boundaries for your child.

 

It ends on a positive note by pointing out what the child CAN have or do. It also helps the child development of understanding that actions have consequences, and to consider the consequences before acting on a desire.

 

Disciplining children is never all that much fun. The sooner our kids can responsibly discipline themselves the better.

 

By providing your child is a simple, brief explanation of what is undesirable about what she wants you actually educate her about what is good for her.

 

At the same time, you motivate your child to cooperate with you by helping her to see the positive outcome of cooperating with you: specifically, not requesting another scoop results in getting one scoop now.

 

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When It Is Wise To Ignore Your Child

By Bob Lancer   |  Saturday, June 23rd, 2012

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To skillfully support child development, remember that there is a time for responding to your child and a time for NOT responding.

support child development

One key for raising children toward self-reliance is the parenting practice of being just responsive enough

If we are not responsive enough, we lose parental control as our child grows frustrated.

 

This is because and a frustrated child (like a frustrated adult) cannot help but slip into some form of behavior problem.

We teach our children, and the education may prove negative, through the way that we respond to our kids.

 

Being too non-responsive not only frustrates the child with the sense of denied parent access. It teaches the child, through our modeling, to BE non-responsive. This may manifest as the child not “listening” and being generally inattentive.

 

But, while a sufficient amount of parental involvement is crucial for positive child development and child behavior, it is also possible to be TOO responsive with a child.

 

If we respond automatically to a child’s request (or demand) for our attention, assistance or cooperation we demonstrate a weak form of child behavior management that actually trains the child to be overly demanding.

 

We also needlessly exhaust ourselves through the form of excessive parent involvement that we can describe as being overly responsive.

 

Help for parents who over-stress themselves through excessive responsiveness arrives as they apply the self-help wisdom of being more conscious in parenting.

 

Sometimes it is better to not respond as a means of teaching the child that the behavior she is using to get our response is unacceptable.

 

One key for raising children toward self-reliance is the parenting practice of being just responsive enough.

 

Be aware during your parent-child interactions to avoid automatically reacting to your child without first pausing to determine if reacting in the way that you are about to react is really wise right now.

 

If you HABITUALLY respond when your child demands your attention, you produce your own frustration and lead your child toward the relationship problems that stem from being overly demanding.

 

Don’t blame your child for this.  Realize that your reactions of stress and strain are NOT your child’s responsibility.  How you react is YOUR responsibility.

 

Practice the parenting wisdom of more CONSCIOUS parenting to more alertly recognize when you need to respond, and when you need to deliberately NOT respond to your child, for the best parenting results and experiences.

 

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

 

Motivated Kids Can Make A Big Difference

By Antara   |  Tuesday, April 17th, 2012

6-Year-Old Raises $10K To Help Ailing Dad

 

Positive Parenting Raises Motivated Kids

Six-year-old Drew Cox selling lemonade to help raise funds for his father's medical bills. Pic courtesy: kltv.com

A 6-year-old boy from Gladewater, Texas has done what most adults would not be able to do. Drew Cox, 6, raised $10,000 at a lemonade stand to help his father Randy Cox who had been diagnosed with Seminoma cancer three months ago.

 

Setting an inspiring example of what a caring child can do, Drew set up a lemonade stall on Walnut Street, Saturday, April 14, to help raise funds for his father’s medical bills. As the word spread about this little boy’s brave effort, cars and people queued up to support his cause by buying a cup of lemonade for 25 cents. By the end of the day, the earnings had reached a whopping $10,000.

 

The beautiful child-parent relationship between this ailing father and his doting son was evident in Drew’s words about his father. “He is so important to me. We like to play with each other. Lots of times we like to play games,” Drew said on KLTV.

 

Drew’s feat is reminiscent of the 4-year-old Alexandra “Alex” Scott, who, battling with a form of childhood cancer – neuroblastoma since before her first birthday, had decided to set up a lemonade stand to raise money for her doctors to help find a cure for all kids with cancer.

 

“Alex was just four-years-old when she asked my wife if she could hold a lemonade stand when she was released from the hospital. When asked what she wanted to do with the money, Alex said she wasn’t keeping it, but instead giving it to her doctors to help find a cure for all kids with cancer. And so, our lemonade crusade began,” writes Jay Scott, Alex’s father and Co-Executive Director, Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation, in Huffingtonpost.com.

 

Positive Parenting Techniques

Parenting kids is also about inspiring children to do their bit to make the world a better place

Alex, with the help of volunteers across the country raised over $1 million in her lifetime (she passed away in 2004). But her legacy was carried on by parents who have raised over $50 million toward finding a cure for cancer.

 

Motivated kids set precedents which even adults may find hard to match. It is essential for parents to instill this wisdom in children that they too can make a difference.

 

When you help develop in your child the vision to see beyond his own self and the ability to think for others’ welfare, you motivate your child to grow as a caring, helpful, kind and compassionate human being.

 

Parenting kids is not only about making sure they have the good things of life. It’s about inspiring children to do their bit to make the world a better place.

 

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How To Raise A Wise Child

By Bob Lancer   |  Tuesday, April 17th, 2012

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

 

Follow Parenting Wisdom With Your Child

Wisdom guides mastery in all fields of endeavor, including parenting.

To follow parenting wisdom with your child means that you are connecting with your own positive, loving and intelligent intuitive inner guidance.

 

You need to be calm, emotionally balanced, and aware in the now for this to happen.

 

When parents begin feeling frustrated in their efforts to control their child, they break their internal connection with the inner wisdom that can guide them toward healthier, happier parenting success.

 

For instance, if you begin feeling annoyed when your child interrupts your work or demands your attention while you are on the phone, your stressful reaction prevents you from handling the situation as well as you can, from producing the results that you really want.

 

Every parent needs to MASTER the experience of being distracted, to stay sane, content, and constructive.

 

Wisdom guides mastery in all fields of endeavor, including parenting.

 

Wisdom is an inspired state of consciousness that nurtures the soul.

 

When you demonstrate parenting wisdom in your relationship with your child, your inner, harmonious, enlightened state radiates, reaching and nurturing your child’s inner life with those same qualities, producing a happier, more loving and wise child.

 

Parents who complain that their children are too wild would do well to consider this way of helping their children to be more wise.

 

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

Parenting Advice For How To Be A “Lucky Parent”

By Bob Lancer   |  Wednesday, March 7th, 2012

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child behavior and child development

The fact is that parent-success is not a matter of luck. Parenting well produces well-behaved children.

The other day someone said to me, “You are really lucky with your 9 year old son. He behaves wonderfully because he came out as a very special child.”

 

My response was, “In my 25 years of teaching parenting skills, I’ve never seen a child who did NOT express the same beautiful spirit you are referring to in my child. But as the parent influences the child development process through the quality of the parent-child relationship, a very ‘difficult child’ may be the result.”

 

Largely because of my deep studies of and our shared interest in child behavior and child development my wife and I have practiced very conscious parenting.

 

The core of our “parenting style” has been to honor our children’s sacred heart, to relate compassionately with their feelings, even when we need to firmly establish a boundary.

 

In the course of my professional parenting education practice I have seen countless moms and dads making serious and all too common parenting mistakes that engendered destructive behavior and emotional problems in their child’s development process.”

 

One core purpose behind my positive parenting classes and the conscious approach to child discipline that I teach is to help parents understand how to AVOID raising kids in ways that produce emotional difficulties and behavior problems.

 

The fact is that parent-success is not a matter of luck.   Parenting well produces well-behaved children.  You can always find problematic parenting practices occurring in the history of children who demonstrate seriously problematic behavior.

 

But there are those prefer to believe that how a kid behaves is a matter of pure luck.  They adhere to this view, perhaps, because it absolves them from a painful sense of responsibility for their children’s problems.

 

Anyone who counts on luck to succeed usually ends up unsuccessful.  This applies to parenting success as well to every other area of life.

 

Better Parenting For Healthy Child Behavior

Be the ray of light as parents to help your kids sparkle and shine

To be among the “lucky parents” you might begin by paying closer attention to your child’s feelings during your parent-child interactions.

 

Keep your heart open and sensitive to your child’s deepest feelings, instead of reacting to child discipline problems with anger and stress.

 

As you begin nurturing your child’s tender heart through more conscious, compassionate parenting you will raise a happier child who displays more beautiful behavior.

 

Do YOU believe that parenting success is really just a matter of luck?

Help struggling parents, and those who believe that better parenting skills produce better-behaved children, by sharing in this blog some of the parenting mistakes you feel that you have made, and what you wish you had done instead.


Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

 

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

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Create Life-Balance To Raise Happy Children

By Bob Lancer   |  Thursday, March 1st, 2012

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Parenting Classes For Raising Happy Children

Create happier times with your kids to deepen and strengthen family bonding.

 

At one of my recent parenting classes, I discussed the need for a deep heart-connection in the parent-child relationship.

 

“As we nurture children emotionally,” I explained,“their behavior expresses more loving kindness and healthy self-esteem than when kids feel emotionally deprived.”

 

A parent in the class raised her hand and posed this common parenting problem:  “In today’s world, when both parents need to work full time, and jobs often demand more than the old, standard 40 hours a week, we’re not able to give our kids the quality time they need.”

 

My response to that addressed the creative power and responsibility of every one of us:

 

“Your circumstances are a product of your own creation.  You have the power to create the life-balance to support the emotional development of your child.

 

“I know parents who have made huge financial sacrifices to be able to provide their children with all the quality time their kids need.

 

Raising Happy Children

“You empower yourself to succeed relative any goal by seeing yourself as the creator of your circumstances, not as a victim of your circumstances.

“Others found creative ways to maintain a high income while meeting the emotional needs of their children.

 

“You empower yourself to succeed relative any goal by seeing yourself as the creator of your circumstances, not as a victim of your circumstances.

 

“Though you may not know what you can do right now to improve the balance of your life, begin by clearly defining life-balance as your goal and commit to making it happen.

 

“In the meantime, if you cannot increase the quantity of time you spend with your kids, improve the quality of the precious time that you do have with them.

 

“Practice connecting with your children in a more conscious and loving way when you are together. Create happier times with your kids to deepen and strengthen family bonding.”

 

“Turn every moment you spend with your daughter into a kind of parenting class by closely observing her, in order to improve your understanding of your child. This is how to better meet your child’s need for a deep heart-connection in the parent-child relationship

 

Please feel welcome to share your comments in this blog about this parenting advice, and any questions you have about overcoming the challenge to providing children with all the quality time they need from us to feel great and to display beautiful behavior.


Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

 

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

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Help Your Child Outgrow Behavior Problems

By Bob Lancer   |  Thursday, January 5th, 2012

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Understanding Child Behavior

If you expect your child to behave so perfectly all the time that you never feel challenged, perplexed or overwhelmed, you expectation is overly optimistic

Child behavior problems or challenges are unavoidable.

If you expect your child to behave so perfectly all the time that you never feel challenged, perplexed or overwhelmed, you expectation is overly optimistic.

Children DO test us, and in surprising ways.

However wonderful your child may USUALLY behavior, whatever magnificent character she very often displays, her behavior will at times surprise you with a problem behavior you did not expect.

Two valuable tips for parents include:

  1. As part of your personal parenting strategy, be psychologically prepared to feel challenged by the way that your child behaves.
  1. Understand that child behavior is not permanent.  If we respond properly to a behavior problem, the child develops beyond it in a short time.

In my parenting classes, parents seek advice on how to handle everyday parenting challenges like sibling rivalry, bedtime issues, setting rules, establishing boundaries, child aggression, talking back disrespectfully, teaching politeness, encouraging honesty, etc.

But underneath their parenting questions I can see that at some level they often seem to feel that their child should NOT be presenting them with these problems; that children SHOULD behave well.

Adjusting expectations to be realistic is fundamental for any successful parent strategy.

When your child displays a problematic behavior, it does not mean that you are an inadequate parent and it does not mean that your child essentially wrong or bad for behaving in a disturbing way.

It means that you are encountering the reality of parenting.

Our parental responsibility, when it comes to child behavior management or child discipline, is to respond to the behavior in a way that supports the positive behavior changes that we want, and that avoids causing the child to become stuck in a problem behavior pattern.

Parenting Tips to help your child outgrow inappropriate self-conduct:
1. When you react to a behavior with much anger and stress you risk blocking the child from outgrowing that behavior.  This is because your emotional intensity indices child defensiveness.
2. Remaining calm, consider the sort of response your child needs from you to improve his or her behavior.
3. If you don’t know what to do, remain calm and patient. The child may most quickly outgrow the behavior without your intervention.

 

Share your experiences, thoughts and questions regarding this strategy for successfully dealing with child behavior in this blog.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

 

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

Positive Parenting Wisdom

By Bob Lancer   |  Sunday, December 18th, 2011

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.


new child behavior pattern

It is essential to eliminate the use of complaining as a means of solving behavior problems

One of the common parenting mistakes I have observed as a parent and as a parenting seminar leader and consultant who has worked directly with thousands of families, is confusing complaining with effectively improving child behavior.

 

When we complain to our kids about a behavior problem, like not putting their things away or eating like a barbarian at the dinner table, we really are NOT leading them to more responsible child behavior.

 

Raising kids to display a higher level of self-discipline is accomplished by patiently guiding the child, step-by-step, through the new child discipline pattern you want established.

 

And to SUCCESSFULLY establish a new child behavior pattern, you have to be willing to repeat this patient, step-by-step leadership over and over again, until it becomes the child’s new habit.

Try this exercise:

  1. Make a list of the child behavior problems that you face in raising your kids. want your child display.
  2. Envision the new child behavior you want in place of that problem.
  3. The next time that your child demonstrates the behavior problem, instead of complaining, calmly, patiently guide your child step-by-step through the new behavior that you want.

 

Contribute to the Parenting Wisdom of the planet by sharing the results of this exercise, and any questions you have about it, in this blog.


 

One additional point: It is essential to eliminate the use of complaining as a means of solving behavior problems.

 

When we complain to our kids, we incite their defensiveness, not their cooperation.

 

Complaining is a way of raising kids to complain!

 

To instill a new child behavior pattern, guide your child through the steps of that behavior calmly, patiently and repeatedly, until the child does it on his or her own.

 

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

 

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

Kindness Inspires Hearts of Children

By Bob Lancer   |  Thursday, November 17th, 2011

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Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

motivation children

Our kids need to regard their own feelings as important if they are to relate with other children, and even pets, with sensitivity

In the Wisie Inspiration for Kids video, “Choose Kindness, the child is reminded: “Kindness makes hearts happy.”

We parents need to remember that kindness also makes our children feel INSPIRED.

Just like adults, children need to feel inspired to deal with the challenges THEY must face.

To do their best, children, like adults, need motivation.

Children lose motivation when the feel heavy-hearted.

We adults often seem to think that kids have no real challenges, compared to those that we must face, like making a living, keeping the home in order, and dealing with the children.

But children don’t really have it that easy:

  • They feel frustrated by all they are unable to do
  • They are sensitive to all the pain felt by those around them (even when they do not show it in obvious ways)
  • Being teased, left out of a game, feeling overlooked in class, messing up in sports, coming in second or even last place in ANYTHING, can drain inspiration from kids.

It’s important that we do NOT minimize our children’s emotional suffering while making our own emotional needs seem all-important.

In what instances do you find it most challenging to
relate kindly with your children?

In what ways do YOU support positive motivation in your children?

In this blog, share your thoughts and questions about the wisdom of
providing children with a sufficient amount of inspiration.

Our kids need to regard their own feelings as important if they are to relate with other children, and even pets, with sensitivity.

When we treat children unkindly we risk teaching them to believe that they are unworthy of kind treatment.  This sets them up to gravitate toward other children who do not treat them very well.

As it says in the “Choose Kindness” Wisie for Kids video, “…you deserve to be treated well, just because you are you…”

As we inspire our children with an abundance of OUR kindness, we teach them to actually LIVE as if they really deserve to be treated well.
Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

Happy Success Wisdom for Children

By Bob Lancer   |  Saturday, November 12th, 2011

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

wisdom and motivation for children

By calmly, patiently and perseveringly bringing your child back to the mess he left, and then guiding him to put his things where they belong, over and over and over again, WITHOUT fighting, your child gradually develops the habit of doing it on his own.

In the Wisie for Kids video, “Teach Your Children Patience”, the wisdom for children is really essential for the child’s learning, development and success.

The message is also great for adults to remember.

After all, isn’t patience a necessary part of all major accomplishments?

It’s even essential for remaining sane as we parents work on improving our child’s behavior.

For instance, to get your child to clean up after himself is usually NOT a quick process.

You need to remain patient, to “keep your cool” as you repeatedly guide your child to put her things away each time that she “forgets”.

If you lose your patience in the process, and react with annoyance and frustration, you actually motivate your child to be more resistant, and you make the process more of a strain than it needs to be.

By calmly, patiently and perseveringly bringing your child back to the mess he left, and then guiding him to put his things where they belong, over and over and over again, WITHOUT fighting, your child gradually develops the habit of doing it on his own.

At the same time, you model the wisdom for children of being patient with when you cannot instantly have your way.

What are some of the new or improved behaviors that you would like to motivate your child to do on his or her own?

While working with your child, when do you tend to lose your patience?

In this blog, share your thoughts and questions about how to
pass on the wisdom for children (and adults) that patience represents.

As this Wisie for Kids video reminds the child, “Don’t get angry, just keep working at it” – we parents need to remember this for happy success in improving child behavior.

As we model patience and perseverance in the way that we work with our children, we pass on that wisdom TO our children.

Receive your FREE Parenting Advice through this blog. Simply ask Bob Lancer your question and receive his Lancer’s Answer in this blog.

Wisie Members: Please feel welcome to share your views in this blog regarding any of the Wisie videos, and to ask questions about how to make the most of them.

Excellence

By Marilyn Cramer   |  Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

“We are what we repeatedly do;

excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.”


 

~ Aristotle


Do everything you do with all your efforts and sincerity.

Get into the habit of excelling yourself.

You will love the experience.

Wisdom for Children

Do everything you do with all your efforts and sincerity.

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